Mr. Muddle's Befuddled Universe

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Not so fast!

Thought I had that procrastination issue figured out, but while I dove into the mini pile of tasks at hand, I quickly realized another reason for my procrastinating ways as I looked at the memo on the top of the pile: transfer money to the checking account to cover the morning's grocery bill. Fresh off the blog, and still observing my thoughts, I immediately realized another reason for my procrastination: fear, particularly with the buttons that push it.

Not many of us have the luxury of more money than is required to live. We try to save, budget, pay the bills on time, purchase a few personal luxuries: clothes, car, toys... Adding to the complex equation of ``enough money" is the subconscious baggage I continue to carry like what my family's and long-time partner's attitudes towards money are. I see how money is loaded baggage for me especially when it comes to procrastinating. There's a tendency to put off the transfer, the payment, the purchase because of the fear of running out of money — which, ironically, are both my father's and my partner's attitudes, not mine.

What is needed, and what I've been working towards, is a flow of living — free of fear — where I can peacefully be with what it, leaving what may come for when it gets here, and trusting that Life will take me where I need to go. Being proactive, having the 3-, 5-, 10- year goal, planning for the future, the kids' college, the retirement... I've been told to look to the future in so many areas of my life that it seems there are few things that don't need to be planned for. It's overwhelming. I overwhelmed, reached my quota, and quit the game.

What is needed, and what I've been working towards, is a flow of living - free of fear - where I can peacefully be with what is, leaving what may come for when it gets here. For the last few years, my days are fairly unplanned, sans ``to do" lists, allowing space to put down what hasn't worked and slowly gravitating towards what does. It may not be a graceful dance but it's mine, it's comfortable, rewarding, and most importantly, I'm enjoying the ride.

Procrastination doesn't really fit into the formula. Whenever I commit to something, I like to put it out there right up front saying, ``You can usually count on me being a little late (I work on ``ish" time: 5-ish, next Monday-ish...), but you can always count on me.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

What is my deal with procrastination?!

There aren't many things currently in my life that are accompanied by deadlines. Actually, deadline is such an ugly word. I see absolutely nothing positive in its use so from now on I'm going to refer to them as delivery dates; it carries nearly none of the negative baggage. Delivery does not always come without pain, discomfort, a bit of hardship or labor, but it is usually accompanied by welcoming something. Even if it's simply the end of an unpleasant task.

I find it interesting that many of the things I've procrastinated on throughout my life I've actually enjoyed doing, and there's usually not too much else critically demanding my time (lately anyways). Many times the delivery date is even accompanied by a reward like payment(!). Who doesn't enjoy that?! It seems my reason(s) for procrastinating lie buried somewhere deeper than I've really looked.

O.K. I just watched it nearly kick-in again. I'm sitting here in the shop (my small vintage hippy shop I've run for 9 years), waiting on a couple of potential customers (currently just browsing). I contentedly busied myself with my task at hand: this blog. One left, the other purchased, and almost immediately I watched my mind scamper off to the other possibilities awaiting me upstairs (The shop is connected to the house, and there is an intercom system set-up so that I can busy myself upstairs — which I do very well - while waiting for the next person to stop in.).

If my procrastination is buried in my past then based on what I just witnessed (the ability to be an observer observing one's thoughts and actions on a constant basis is a skill that offers valuable perspective — especially at a moment like this), I think I just gained a valuable clue: lack of discipline in controlling my monkey mind.

Busted! To hold onto the baggage of yesterday, specifically a ``procrastination issue", is just continuing to kid myself. Thing is, if I'm making a choice to constantly observe my thoughts and actions, hiding behind ``issues" becomes more and more difficult, if not impossible. Problem solved. I don't have a problem or an issue with procrastination. I simply have used it as an excuse to avoid self-discipline. So what's the ``issue" with self-discipline? That's another myth I'll have to investigate. Maybe later.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Great Gain, Efficient Effort

The furthest amount of gain for the least amount of effort. Over the last few years that has been the underlying motto of my current life.

I am definitely not lazy, but I have reached the zenith of my raw physical strength. Though I want to maintain a level of physical fitness for the duration, I know that I will never again have the robust physical vigor of my youth. Aging gracefully is, in part, being honest about the process.

The furthest amount of gain for the least amount of effort. Emotionally, mentally, I'm not afraid of working it, but I refuse to burnout because of the stress of things that are outside of my realm of influence and control. I've seen and experienced the physical damage created by emotional and mental stress. I've pushed agendas — mine as well as others' — and I've just grown tired of pushing so hard.

I imagine life as a long swim down a long river. I'm imagining a very long river. In order to retain as much of my vital life energy for as much of the duration as possible, I better adapt the pace to meet the requirements. I might be physically, mentally or emotionally strong, but if there's stress in one area, inevitably it will affect and eventually impair the others. I've got to take it slow and easy, find a comfortable current, and let the flow get me to where I need to be, which hopefully includes to where I want to go also.

Of course, an oil change every 3,000 miles and staying on top of other scheduled life maintenance is important because I only get the one vehicle. I'm no longer into heavy physical workouts. I prefer the long leisurely walk, the playful approach to a bit of rebounding, a fun bike ride. My diet is mostly healthy.

My life dramas are relatively low, and when I do run into one I look at it as an exercise in staying centered, remembering to breathe and to trust life — difficult especially when it doesn't go my way. Painful, difficult, distasteful, but the longer I live the more I realize the inevitableness that I will encounter those tough life situations. May I remember what I say now when I'm in the depths of the next one.

"Life IS pain, Princess," as Westley so eloquently said in The Princess Bride. I don't really see that as total truth, but I do acknowledge that life does include a considerable amount of pain: physical, mental and emotional. I, like anyone, hope to avert as much of that as possible. I've tried the other way — fighting it — found it didn't work, and that doing so usually came with a heavier cost, so I'm going to give this one a chance: the furthest amount of gain, for the least amount of effort. See how far it takes me.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Ben Harper — ``Fight Outta You"

Zero 7 — ``Salt Water Sound"

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Simple can't be simple enough

What do I know of my own personal thread(s) of genius? I know I don't necessarily have just one. And my active thread of genius today won't necessarily be the one I'm exercising next year. My physical, mental, and emotional state affect the way in which I express my thread on any given day. It's become a vital way though which I express both pain and pleasure, and allow it to flow so I can maintain equilibrium in an imperfect world.

Over the last couple years, I've come to realize that key to my free flow expressing, and exercising of my thread is that it needs to be simple and easy. I'm currently not into heavy exertion or pushing the limits of my endurance (mentally, emotionally or otherwise). Skillsets that I acquired years ago are still very much in use when I actively engage my thread.

I learned music theory and an instrument as a child. Though I don't practice theory or read music today (though I still can) they are imperative in the expression of a thread of my genius involving the writing and performing of music. Tying in my propensity for simplicity, the writing structure is simple and the words flow freely and quickly or they don't spill at all. Though the songs may not impress an accomplished musician, their raw and simple beauty resonate deeply and powerfully. And no one but me, with my lifetime of totally unique living circumstances, could have possibly created them. Ever.

Most recently (within the last few years) I've engaged my graphics skillsets employing trade tools but in a way that I create art - not in "normal" ways, but in a way so that I enjoy the process, and which ends up being uniquely mine. Of course, there are always critics but they could never do what I do in the way I do it. The further I've stepped out of the box the stronger I feel, and the less that any "criticism" affects me; actually, it's fortifying.

I've found that one of the most important things required to live richly on this earth is to discover, listen to, honor, and live my thread(s) of genius, and to honor the fact that every human being has them. The longer I live with this personal truth the more I relish the great fortune of finding them, and embrace the precious time I have left to explore them. For me, it is a key to staying healthy, balanced and peaceful in this crazy world. It's become a vital way through which I express both pain and pleasure, and allow it to flow so I can maintain equilibrium in an imperfect world.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Feist — ``The Water"

View The Water the film directed by Kevin Drew, a Revolver Films production.

Cloud Cult — ``When Water Comes to Life"

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Seeking the Grail In Our Individual Threads of Genius

As I add years of observation to my life, I've come to notice a very essential, gossamer thread of truth: all of us, no matter who we are, what mental, physical, social condition we're born into, arrive with a thread of genius: our very own, personal, individual way of experiencing and expressing our life — the speck of energy of the Universe that we are — through our very own unique and creative way.

We all have an innate need to express our presence here. When it is allowed to express through our own unique voice that is what I consider a thread of genius, a positive creative (even if it is quirky and/or outside of the box, which it many times is) expression of our joie de vivre. The fact that for many/most of us our thread — gossamer fine — is squelched, hidden, warped, broken or otherwise mostly destroyed while coming of age because our parents, families, communities, religions, educational systems, peers,... broken themselves by a vicious cycle, can't help but repeat what they've been taught, how they've been taught to live, to be.

As cultures do not typically exist to exalt individualism, but usually pressure its opposite — conformity — I feel fortunate to have been born in this time period — still far from easy but closer to it than any other time in history in which to spin my thread of genius. Perhaps a big problem is that the thread usually falls outside of the box, and most egos are not independent enough from the herd to dare to openly practice and live it, have been hammered to conform — a square peg into a round hole — and eventually lose touch with their thread.

I'm sure this will open a whole case of worms for the generally conforming masses who may confront it, but I doubt many of them will even read it.

Until we evolve to the point of recognizing and encouraging each and every person's right to explore, live and express their thread of genius, know that I will always support a person's decision to seek theirs (threads of genius are never destructive, violent, harmful, hurtful to self or any other sentient being). I think the secret of the Grail is: Know Thyself. I don't care if it's baking cookies. If it brings a sense of completeness, deep pleasure and satisfaction in whatever mystical process is involved in the act for you, then go for it! Bake cookies for the benefit of all sentient beings. Maybe we can change the world one gossamer thread at a time.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Thomas Dolby — ``She Blinded Me with Science"

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Excerpts from a GOALS list found deep in the file cabinet yesterday

Though I'd said I was going to write about the ``thread of genius" this week, I've veered off course for a moment to share this: An excerpt from a 4-page TO DO list; specifically page 3. I'm guessing it to be 5-6 years old, about the time I was celebrating my mid-life passage. I don't really remember writing it so I was either blissfully stoned or momentarily experiencing a flash of Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Maybe a bit of both.

THE LIST:

Stop making lists.

Achieve financial success without ever having to work for someone else or sell out to my passions and beliefs.

Reach enough financial success to afford to hire someone who's passions and beliefs include groundskeeping and housekeeping. [I was living on 25 acres at the time.]

Attain a state of satisfactory simplicity.

Find contentment in achieving less superfluous, more meaningful goals.

Feel at peace in the grand reality of chaos.

Don't become too attached to anything, losing sight of the impermanence of everything.

Age joyfully in complete mindfulness.

Love my body completely as it is, and fully appreciate the miracle that it truly is.

Convey through my art truths that speak loudly and clearly to those who come into contact with it.

May it contain many.

May it begin to incite honest, loving and gentle change.

Finally cast off conditioned behaviors that continue to affect my actions, thoughts and emotions.

Commit to live, react, speak out of love even if the message isn't always ``nice, polite, or politically correct".

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Pursuing the Opportunities in Convergence

So let me remind everyone that these last few blogs talking about coincidence, synchronicity, and convergence are simply my take on a set of phenomenon, and how I interpret them in my life. I haven't studied them, and am in no way an expert on any of them. It's simply a context through which I enrich the tale of my life.

I've only recently come to appreciate the queen of these phenomenon, convergence. Thinking of the bazillions of things that are in motion in the universe, and most specifically in this world on the physical plane in which I exist, convergence — the coming together of several things, events, people that share an underlying personally interpreted significance, happening within a relatively close timeline — opens a door to possibility, of course, only if one chooses to pursue the action.

A recent visit to a local coffee shop provides a good example.

I was standing in line when a man I knew walked into the coffee shop. For a fleeting moment, I mistook him for another man. (It was curious, because I had never encountered either man in this coffee shop, nor had I seen either of them for months.) After having a pleasant chat with my friend, we went our separate ways, and I joined my party. An hour or so later, the very man I initially thought of at that first encounter walked into the room. (Twilight Zone sensation.)

Adding to this convergence of events, a couple days earlier I had picked up a postcard featuring the second man's photography off a small shop's counter. I'd been impressed by the imagery and had determined to use it as a centerpiece in my next collage. (Sidebar: Music is a thread that runs through all three of our lives.)

I consider all of this a convergence. It didn't happen simultaneously, but in a window of time small enough that meaning oozed from the events. I can choose to take action on some aspect of it — in this case, music would be logical, as we are all three musicians — and, regardless of whether it turns out as I might hope, it is a chance to dramatically alter a direction of my life that I wish to pursue if something were to come of it.

I've been telling Life for quite some time now that if I am to utilize my ``thread of genius" (my coined phrase, I'll explain in the next blog) — music — then, "Life, you're just going to have to open a door, crack a window, something(!)...so that I'm not futilely pushing another agenda (see prior blogs). And we all know how I feel about that!

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Mary Chapin-Carpenter — ``I Feel Lucky"

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

From Coincidence to Synchronicity

To me, coincidence implies random, chance happenings that have something in common with each other in relation to the observer, that meet at a certain place in time — making them coincidental. It doesn't seem that the concept of coincidence, however, carries any real significance in my life. It's just random, chance happenings that I make note of, and might find interesting, or weird. But when it gets freaky, I begin to think it's something more than coincidence.

I've always been enchanted with the movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas, created by Tim Burton. A few years ago I was given a gift of Sally and Jack dolls — the two main characters in the movie. The young child giving me the gift wanted the Jack doll, and as he was close to my heart, I gave it to him.

While searching for a specific author at the library a few months ago, I did not find what I was looking for, but before leaving I perused the surrounding authors to see if anything caught my interest. There was a book by Tim Burton, ``The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy". It turned out to be as fascinatingly quirky as his other works. I wanted to own it.

Months went by and, out of the blue, this morning I was intent on buying the book, and I did. Later in the afternoon, I received a call from the child that gave me the dolls. I transported him to his cousins' house where, after many hours, I picked him up and took him home. His mother welcomed us in. As I stepped into the kitchen she handed me Jack saying that I could now take him home.

OK, what are the chances? Simple coincidence? A little too freaky leading me to think more of synchronicity. I think of synchronicity as happening within a relatively small window of time (like a day), and which is two or more unrelated events that share an underlying relational tie.

To me, synchronicity carries the opportunity to seek a deeper significance between the occurrences in relation to me the observer. The meaning may not be literal, may require contemplation, may not make sense, and may never be adequately figured out. Regardless, as with their more superficial cousin, coincidence, synchronicities shake me from my tendency to behave and think in comfortable rote patterns, and offer me an opportunity to look beneath the surface of my everyday physical world.

So I started the day seeking out Oyster Boy and finished it by finding Jack. Hmm...

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993 Trailer)

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

The Power of Coincidence

I first read about the power of coincidence in James Redfield's The Celestine Prophecy Experiential Guide. I didn't read the novel, The Celestine Prophecy. I only read the first insight which spoke about coincidence: ``a journey in which we are led forward by mysterious coincidences", humanity's next evolutionary leap. That was enough to elevate the coincidences in my life from chance happenings to reminders to ``take notice".

Coincidences, according to my understanding of the Celestine Prophecy, were road markers suggesting that I was following a ``right path" (in the sense of the Buddhist Eightfold Path).

I am not a Buddhist. I do not follow any religion, but it does make sense to live an ethical life, so that there will be sufficient room for 6 billion people to share one earth. There's enough for everyone, no need to be gluttonous, to horde. I've found that it makes the day a lot less stressful, more relaxing, if I'm not in some driving race to ``win" at accumulation. If stress is one of the major factors in compromising my health, I'm all about reducing stress; eliminating it would be even better. I'm satisfied to have enough stuff, and am not a slave to a blind need for more. That requires trust. I've got to maintain a level of trust that Life will open a door, a window, something to indicate a direction. 'Til I'm faced with having to take action towards alleviating a real need (housing, food, health,...) I work on relaxing and keeping my mind present in this moment.

How does that work for the billions of people that struggle for some modicum of basic creature comforts (water, food, peace, bed, a toilet is always nice...)? I don't know. I was born fortunate. I've already beat the odds, won the lottery. I owe it to the less fortunate to live a gracious, full, and moderate life, so that there might be enough for everyone. (It's time for the gluttons of the world to wake up and share.)

Does that mean I don't indulge? Sure, but modestly. A conundrum? Hanging out at the coffee shop a few times a week is currently one of my indulgences. Is that all I want out of life? I'd like to travel the world living different places for a year at a time, performing my music as I make my way. I'll also take 100 good years, if I can be healthy and mobile.

Sure, there are things I'd like to experience, but until the way presents itself, I bring my mind back to the fullness and richness of right now. This moment. And even if the coincidences don't pan out to mean anything significant, they sure do make for some rich and interesting details in the unfolding story of my life.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

The Souljourners
The Avenger music video

Essays from Edith

A journey into self-exploration and acceptance

Agenda Less

My editor had a heyday editing the previous post, so now that we're totally clear on what ``pushing an agenda" means, let's push the agenda a little further. I, of course, have a list of ``to do's", ``wanna do's", and ``surely wouldn't mind doings" like most others. However, I'm spending more time and energy on the power of intention, rather than pouring lots of time and effort into ``trying" to make it happen.

I learned about the power of intention in a book of the same name by Wayne Dyer. Trying is the key word here; it's the ``pushing" I refer to in the pushing of an agenda. It's forced, requires effort that's not pleasant and, many times, is downright disturbing to my peace of mind. This has nothing to do with being lazy. I'm not lazy. I enjoy expending energy to achieve a result. I realize that sometimes in order to achieve an end one must do some things that are not always pleasant. I love to cook, but I don't love to do the dishes. The dishes still get done. I repeat, this is not about being lazy. What is in question here is ``right effort". (I'm using ``right effort" in the Buddhist sense.)

Let's look at an example using myself as the model: I want to be a (successful) paid traveling musician. If it's not already a difficult field to break into because of the glut in that particular market, add to that the legwork required to get a band together, getting everyone road ready, booking the gigs, arranging accommodations, hauling gear around, collecting the money... on and on... and HOPE that there is at least one other person who will assist (which there really hasn't been)... It's wearying just thinking about it, because even in the best of cases there's a LOT of effort required for a questionable return. And I've been there, I've done it. Hats off to those who persist.

So, playing music is one of my passions. I've found that stepping up to the piano, sitting down and simply playing is enough return for now, enough pleasure for the least amount of effort. On the other hand, if  Life calls and tells me to be at the airport in a couple hours, that a piano is waiting for me in Austin tonight at 9, Babee! I'm there! I am totally committed to the goal, but realize there are powers at work much bigger than I, and so, until Life is working with me, why keep pushing my own agenda?! It's exhausting and it drains my limited energy which I could be using to simply and enjoyably play.

Now, I've pushed agendas for decades — my own as well as others'. It is an important part of the total life experience that one have the opportunity to approach living from different sides of the equation: pushing someone else's agenda, pushing one's own agenda, and pushing no agenda. I'm not saying that I'll stay here ``'til death do I part", just that I'm settling into a relaxed wisdom that permits Life to lead the way, and instead of pushing my own agenda, I'm simply enjoying the ride. Agendaless.

.e

— Edith
(long A deet')

© 2009 Edith Simone

The Grateful Dead — ``Casey Jones (1971; live)"